Cleaned, corrected and re-synced by Tronar
Constance, got a minute?
Uh, we need to go over this, uh, document.
Of course, Senator.
Clear the way, please!
Make room!
I got to tell you, Crystal, I think people will be talking
about Laffer's epic comeback for a long time.
So, Shelby Mellman, you describe his comeback as epic?
Yes, I just did. Yes.
Well, it doesn't look like
his supporters tonight would disagree.
No, my reporting indicates,
they are pretty happy.
- James? - Uh... Sir?
You Tweeting all this?
I will be, sir. Uh, on it.
No distracting him, Lola. He's on duty.
Oh, Daddy, honestly, it's a celebration.
Can't he have the night off?
It's his victory too.
Oh, all right, sweetheart.
As you were, James.
Remember, Crystal, this is only a primary.
So Laffer's return to Washington is
by no means assured.
"By no means assured"? This is a red state.
Shelby, Shelby, Shelby... he doesn't know his colors.
Shelby, why don't we put our analysis on hold
and just let this crazy scene behind us speak for itself.
Great idea.
Holy cow, look. Paul died.
Oh, that's awful. I wonder how?
Could've been a lot of things.
He didn't take very good care of himself.
Never saw him in the gym or the shower.
Well, better hop down to the ballroom
and thank the team.
They'll be wanting to paint the town.
Thank you. Friends, this has been an incredible night
- for me and my family. - Yeah!
For sheer competitive suspense,
well, you'd have to go all the way back to our college days
when Louise and I made the semi-finals
in the synchronized swim mixed pairs.
Almost made the finals,
if someone hadn't forgotten his technical routine.
Or if someone hadn't messed up
her Aqua Bob and Side Fishtail.
Water under the dam!
I married him anyway!
Anyways, a big night for us and, uh,
and for Nevada.
You know, Al Hickok put...
Now, now...
Al put up a good fight,
literally opening fire.
But, seriously...
My hat's off to Al for...
Oh, jeez... Thought I put that on vibrate.
Oh, for goodness sake. Speak of the devil.
Hey, Al. We were just talking about you.
You're calling to concede?
That... That's very gracious of you, Al.
Well, you did it, buddy.
I mean, I just have to hand it to you,
you headed off that strike,
- you kept the Strip open. - Sure did!
I don't know how many cocks you had to suck to do it,
- but it sure worked. - Obscene...
Kudos, Louis. Enjoy your win.
Nevada!
Yeah! Nevada!
This man dines in the White House.
This man believes that we should shorten
or eliminate waiting periods
for over-educated immigrants who want your job.
This man showed his true colors
during a pro-illegal immigrant speech
on the floor of Congress.
This man is not who you think he is.
He is Senator Robert Bettencourt.
Robert Bettencourt:
wrong for Pennsylvania,
wrong for America.
I'm Clemont Castles, father and CEO
of immigrant-free Cappy's Clam Shacks,
and I approve this message.
So I'm Obama now.
It's uncanny. I never noticed it before.
And this stuff works?
It's doing well in the free media.
They love Cappy. They think he's a hoot.
And I got to debate this clown?
Uh, yes. But he'll be surrounded by fellow clowns.
They'll distract him. All you have to do is occasionally duck.
Why do elections have to be so demeaning?
I don't know, but pretend they're not.
If people see condescension,
you'll get killed the way Gore did.
Oh, God forbid I should win the popular vote.
Are we walking and talking?
We are not. I will see you in Philly.
Bye, Senator.
Senator, Betty Mower here to see you.
Oh, Betty. Uh, have her come in.
Mrs. Mower.
- Mm... - Oh, Gil John...
He was too young, much too young.
I know, Betty,
that was my first reaction.
At least he died in the saddle, hard at work.
Yes. Yes, he did.
And doing what he loved best.
Oh... Oh, John, are you crying?
You dear man.
You and Paul were so close, weren't you?
That's why I've come to see you, John.
Would it be a terrible imposition
to ask you to organize the service?
Oh, Betty. Oh, no, no...
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Why you? Why not Grover or Carl or some other big shot?
But it was you he talked about the most.
It was always, "Gil John ate this,"
or "Gil John drank that."
Well, we did share the same dining room.
Then you'll do it?
I'll be forever grateful.
And I don't think it would be too much trouble.
I'm sure that fabulous Tammy of yours
can pull together a list in the blink of an eye.
Thank you very much.
Gil John, you're the best.
Dear, dear...
Put the fabulous Tammy on.
- Marta? - Yes, sir.
Am I in trouble?
Quite the opposite, young lady.
I am astonished by what you've accomplished here.
You have squared off against squalor
and driven it from my house.
Thank you.
It is amazing.
You should get a battlefield promotion.
What is that, sir? Is it like a raise?
No, no. No change in pay. A change in rank.
To show our growing respect.
Hereafter, you will be addressed as Miss, uh...
- What's your last name again? - Stjepanovi-Majdandzic.
So, Miss... Marta.
We will address you as Miss Marta.
Marta, for short.
Well, back to work, Marta.
Yes, sir.
So, Gil John, listen to me.
This is a big deal. Are you listening to me?
Tammy, is he listening to me?
More or less, ma'am.
Even though I can't imagine
why his window turned to you.
You barely knew Paul, right?
Nobody knew him, Maddie.
He was a very unpleasant human being.
Mean-spirited, self-righteous and ignorant.
And he had a horrible reputation among Capitol Hill women, ma'am.
He... He was a...
- ...a groper. - Eww!
I couldn't be prouder to be organizing that funeral.
Well, it's a great opportunity, GJ.
It'll make national news,
and you'll be front and center of a big tribute
- to a darling of the Tea Party. - Don't worry, Maddie.
The fabulous Tammy's all over it.
I want you to be all over it, Gil John.
Everyone's gonna want to come. Use that.
Pick up some endorsements, commitments for fund-raisers.
You're the gatekeeper. People will be coming to you.
It's true, sir. You already got a call
- from Leadership today. - McConnell called me?
McConnell hasn't called me since the shutdown.
Well, actually it was his, his people.
His people haven't called me since the shutdown.
If I don't call him back, he'll have to call me personally.
Now you're getting it, darling.
Tammy make a seating plan, and call Priebus
to get the RNC royalty list.
I'll call the bishop.
She's gonna call the bishop,
and the fabulous Tammy will call Priebus.
Who you gonna call, huh? Who's top dog?
Who's the top dog?
Who are you talking to?
Good afternoon, and welcome to the Haverford College,
Philadelphia Inquirer GOP Senate Primary Debate.
As you can see it's quite a crowded field,
so I would ask each candidate
to give a brief introductory statement.
Mr. Castles will go first.
Thank you, Dylan.
I'm Clem Castles, founder and CEO of Cappy's Clam Shacks,
where we have legally paid no taxes since 1995.
Cappy's, where the taste of freedom is on the house.
I am April Mandela, treasurer of the Bucks County PETA.
I believe anyone here wearing leather is a murderer.
I am Edward Grottlemeyer,
the living embodiment of Pennsylvania's James Buchanan,
our only bachelor president.
I will be debating in character.
I am Dr. Albert Hydell.
I support federal alchemy research,
so that one day, average middle-class Americans
can turn base metals into gold, right in their own homes.
You think I'm gonna tell you my name?
What? So the government can get all up in my business?
I don't think so.
Hi. I'm Teddy Bungemack, self-educated Libertarian.
And I believe that nothing should be illegal.
I would repeal all laws.
My name is Senator Robert Bettencourt,
and I'd just like to say,
is Democracy great, or what?
What do you think?
Fantastico,
but I've always thought so.
I invested in Team Andy way before you were tested
with flaming electrical debris.
And I put in startup money years ago.
I even slept with you once back.
You did. And I'll never forget your early faith in me.
There are pre-crash-and-light friends
and post-crash-and-light friends.
That's right.
And don't ever trust the posties.
You can't show up late to a party and expect the swag bags.
Mm. Check it.
You better hope that they don't choose that one.
They're not going to find it too presidential in Iowa.
Do they have Vanity Fair in Iowa?
Besitos.
All I am saying is,
is that laws get in the way of freedom.
Everything should be legal, no exceptions,
just as the Founding Fathers intended.
- No, we didn't. - You're not a Founding Father.
You're the 15th president. Probably the worst in history.
Excuse me? You ever heard of George W. Bush,
the guy who blew up the Twin Towers?
And for more information go to InsiderJob.net,
- and don't forget to like us. - To get back to the deficit...
When my research is concluded there will be no more deficit.
We'll be able to turn any common household object,
such as an iron skillet, say, into solid gold.
At Cappy's Clam Shacks we use iron skillets
to turn frozen shrimp into gold.
And unlike Senator Bettencourt, I run a real business,
so when I fire somebody, they stay fired.
They don't get any fancy furloughs with back pay.
Senator Bettencourt, a minute to respond.
Thank you, Dylan. Now, folks, voters are pretty familiar
with my common-sense record, but I bet you
they'd like to hear a little bit more from my opponents,
so I'd like to yield my time, if I may, uh,
20 seconds to Teddy, 20 to April,
and 20 to President Buchanan.
That's not actually how that works.
...single aircraft carrier, we could set up a moon base...
Do we really need roads? Hmm? Why?
Was I gay? Well, Wikipedia says I was soft,
effeminate and eccentric, so it's possible.
...and the powerful, who are using our tax dollars...
Our roads are falling apart, they're dirty and dangerous.
I say let's get rid of them.
Thank you and good night.
In North Carolina, the battle of the coaches is
going down to the wire with polls showing
the Republican Senate primary between to Gil John Biggs
and Digger Mancusi is too close to call...
- Good morning, sirs! - Good morning, Marta.
- Looking hot today, Marta. - Oh, I don't think so, sir.
I don't understand American cosmetics.
It's OK. I gave her breakfast privileges.
OK, that's nice. But why is she not eating at her own home?
Oh, I usually run out of food assistance
by the third week of the month.
I'm sorry, sir.
Are the Cocoa Kisses yours?
No, you can finish them.
Marta, just out of curiosity,
what's your immigration status?
- Hey! - Na-na-na-na-na!
Gil John, that's none of our business.
Stop profiling. I'm sure she's legal.
- Oh, no, sir, I'm not legal. - Na-na-na-na-na!
I was hoping you could help me with that.
You are powerful, no?
Yes. And I for one, as the son of immigrants,
I am not pulling up the ladder.
You know, Andy, for a guy who wants to be president,
you're surprisingly bad at risk assessment.
Ted Cruz would like nothing better than to bust your ass
over a domestic help scandal.
Scandal? Oh, no, sir. I cannot bring to you a scandal.
- You helped me get this job. - What did you do?
It was supposed to be an even playing field.
- Marta, we'll work this out. - OK. I got to go.
- See you all at the funeral. - Under protest.
Hey, can I speak early?
I'm making dinner for Adriana tonight.
- You're making dinner here? - I am, Marta.
Can I have the leftovers?
Oh, damn it.
Julie, I'm on the way to the service
and I can't find my eulogy.
No, worries, sir. Uh, why don't you come by my place,
and I will print you out a fresh copy.
I don't want to impose on you at home, Julie.
Who knows what you might be wearing.
Well, I do, sir, and it's no problem.
I'll see you soon.
Here you go, Senator.
Per your request, it's been lawyered
and you have no exposure.
Thanks so much, Julie. You're a lifesaver, as usual.
By the way, I owe you an apology.
For what, sir?
The Love Doctor mix-up.
Why didn't you tell me you're... homosexual?
Well, sir, it's personal.
And I know your views on the subject.
So, why do you work for me?
I know your other views.
I don't have to be in perfect philosophical alignment with my boss.
If I did, I probably wouldn't have a job.
Well said, Julie.
Listen, while we're on the subject of gaiety,
may I run something by you? Only take a minute.
Nothing to do with plumbing. It's, uh... policy oriented, OK?
- I can't wait. - No, I'm fine.
OK. So, if man A only likes other men,
he's gay.
If woman A only likes other women, she's gay.
Therefore, both man A and woman A are gay.
Which gives them an important thing in common.
Sounds like an SAT question, sir.
No, hear me out.
So, if they share the same sexual orientation,
why couldn't they get married?
Hmm? They'd be mixed gender,
so it wouldn't violate any laws.
They'd honor the norms of society,
and their children, who would be biological...
...always a good thing...
...would have a matched set of parents,
instead of, you know,
two right mittens or two left mittens.
- Wow. - I know!
It makes a kind of crazy sense, doesn't it?
Look, this could be the grand bargain we've been looking for.
Gay marriage, but nothing that turns people off.
Except for the people in it.
They wouldn't have any sex life.
They could have extramarital affairs,
just like straight people.
You can work out the details. They're your tribe.
And, and why would I work out the details?
For my bill:
The Acceptable Gay Marriage Act.
I really think we could sell this, Julie.
True common ground between your people and mine.
Oh, God. Got to run.
Want to get a good seat.
Thanks for this.
That was so...
...interesting.
Excuse us. Excuse us, folks.
Coming through.
If you wouldn't mind.
Deceased in the house here.
- Deceased in the house. - Excuse us, folks.
Coming through.
- Secretary... - Watch yourself.
Senator Biggs, I'm from Fox News Sunday.
Chris would love to have you on the show.
Not a good time. We have a casket.
We'll send a card. Nine o'clock OK?
Sorry about that, Grover. Yes, uh,
very much living the pledge, I want you to know that.
Very important, but taxes are still too high.
Oh, clearly. Now we're aiming
for 25 percent corporate, right?
- Hi, Tom. - Hi, Tom.
- Hey, Tom! - Hey, guys. How are you?
- Hello, Tom. - How are you?
So, is it true that Paul "died happy"?
Apparently.
The EMS guys found him on the floor,
with his pants on backwards.
Thank you, Rosie, that image is gonna be uppermost in my mind
- for the entire service. - Shh!
At this point, we'd like to bring
some of Paul's colleagues up
for a few words of remembrance.
First up is Paul's oldest friend in the Senate, Mitch McConnell.
Mitch... Oh!
You're not Mitch McConnell.
I know, it's OK. We worked it out,
and he said it was cool if I went first.
Correction. Our first speaker is Andy Guzman.
Hmm?
Thank you, Gil.
While today the nation mourns Paul Mower, statesman,
I mourn Paul Mower, friend, mentor.
I'll never forget the day he said to me,
"Andy, you are without doubt,
one of the most naturally gifted politicians of our time,
or any other time.'" I recall him adding.
Well, that's a lot to live up to.
But because Paul believed so deeply in me,
I came to believe in myself just as much,
if that's possible.
That's his gift to me,
and hopefully, to the nation we all serve.
You take care, old warrior.
And save a spot in Valhalla for me,
if I should prove so worthy to join you.
Thank you.
Valhalla? That's Norse.
We're in church for Christ's sake.
That's on me. I should've vetted his eulogy.
Friends... Betty...
I come before you today with no written remarks
because I want to speak straight from the heart.
An old minister friend of mine used to say
that the heart is just a little left of center.
Well, Paul would argue that point,
even though it's evidence-based...
...but, uh, the irony is that Paul's heart was
as big as the all-outdoors.
He was a healer, always ready to reach
across party lines for the common good.
Can I get an "Amen," Carly?
No? Oh, I'm sure your arguments were never personal.
Mm. Then naturally there's a little animus there,
but that's politics, that's normal.
Suffice to say, that Paul was really...
...something, and that's rare.
And... and, uh... Well, we're gonna miss you.
Miss you.
So, farewell, Turd Blossom.
That's what we called him, only in jest, of course.
Don't ask why.
Farewell.
Via con dios, mon ami.
Betty, our hearts go out to you on this sad occasion.
How very much we will miss you
and your special contributions to life in our little village.
None of us will soon forget your donut cart
during last spring's filibuster.
Or your garage sale for wounded service dogs.
Or your annual charity seance.
Betty, you are part of us,
and we offer you our deepest sympathy.
Amen.
You realize you didn't mention the dead guy?
It's OK. I don't think she noticed.
So what did Paul accomplish in his beloved Senate?
His record speaks for itself.
He tried to defund the government on seven occasions,
and he succeeded twice.
He obstructed dozens of Cabinet and judicial appointees.
Voted against background checks,
against Obamacare, against the jobs bills,
student loans, TARP, the auto bailout.
To all of these government intrusions and more,
he said, "No way".
Except to the immigration bill, to which he said,
"No way, Jose."
Pause for laughter.
I would like to finish today with a poem.
I'm no poet, so I asked a member of Paul's staff
to come up with a few lines, which she just gave me.
"Paul Mower was never a sucker.
On issues he wasn't a ducker..."
That's it. It's... it's a couplet.
Thank you.
Always, always proofread.
It has been said here today, that Paul was steadfast.
That he stood firm.
That his beliefs were unshakeable and pure.
And on this, you will get no argument from me.
As income inequality soared,
Paul's indifference remained steadfast.
As our roads crumbled, our schools failed,
our very government shut itself down.
Paul's belief in social Darwinism remained
unshakeable and pure.
Friends, I come to bury Paul, not to praise him.
Mark Antony said that about Julius Caesar
in his funeral oration.
He didn't mean it.
I do.
Let us all bury Paul today,
and with him, the mean-spiritedness
for which he stood.
Let us bury the cold, unfeeling soul that
fought to deprive...
...so many poor children of access
to Head Start programs,
so many women to safe, affordable contraception...
You know, that funeral was a wake-up call.
Makes you wonder what people will say
about you after you die.
You don't have to ever die, man.
That's what fame's about.
It's not just about getting into the clubs.
I never thought of myself as being famous.
But I guess I am.
I'm in Wikipedia.
If I lose this damn primary,
it means I won't die in office.
And Digger will get the big funeral.
Mine'll be back home.
Who's gonna come all the way down to Ruby Shoals
to watch 'em plant me?
- Well, I would, Gil John. - Yeah, me too.
Unless I was held up in the Situation Room or something.
What about your players?
Some of them would come, wouldn't they?
Yeah, the boys.
Some of them might even say something.
The ones without head injuries, anyway.
That's a comforting thought, Robert.
They don't ever scrub Wikipedia, do they?
And we're very happy to welcome back our old friend Jane Pauley
for another segment in her series, "Life Re-imagined."
And, Jane, it sounds like your guest this time
has had a lot of time to re-imagine his life.
Nothing but time, Matt.
Currently serving a five to seven-year prison term,
Senator Vernon Smits is a man at a crossroads.
Senator Smits, so much has changed
since we last sat down.
You'd just been reelected,
and now you find yourself incarcerated.
I mean, we all live in prisons, Jane. Come on. Huh?
Sure, some have orange clothes and bad food,
but there are others that are hellholes of the mind,
inescapable pits of self-loathing and fear.
I used to live in one of those pits.
Now I live here.
It's much nicer.